Updated: Jul 22, 2020
In this blog, I'm going to share with you my experience with finding out about my first pregnancy. At the bottom of this, I will also add contact numbers plus websites in relation to pregnancy queries as well as domestic abuse ones for both men and women.
It was morning and I felt sick on my way to University. I blamed it on the cheap takeaway food I had the night before. Maybe my stomach didn't agree with how much I had eaten and how unhealthy it was, so now I was being punished for it.
Throwing up on the busy London underground train platform, I began shaking from shock. But, as quickly as the feeling of nausea came, it then went away. Luckily, there was a cleaner nearby plus some passengers who offered to help me and I apologised to. Thanking them and explaining that I felt fine again, I just carried on with my journey stressed out about the presentation that I had to do.
My best friend Liv said, ‘I’ve got a spare pregnancy test because I think I might be pregnant. Do you want it?’ There were two in the box, so I took one. She was not. But I was!
Although I was shocked, I was not scared to tell Brad about it. We had clearly discussed this subject several times within the past six months of our relationship. It was agreed that I would have an abortion if I fell pregnant despite taking the contraceptive pill, knowing that there is a small chance of it failing with its purpose. After all, not only did we not feel emotionally ready to raise a child, we also had no known financial means of doing so.
I had just turned 20 years old and was on my second year of University, studying Public Relations at the University of Westminster, plus had one more year to go. I also did not have another income apart from my student loan plus a monthly student maintenance pension from my dad who lives in Switzerland and mentioned that if I had a child during this time he would seek to cut it off.
Brad also refused to show me proof of his earnings. All that I knew from previous conversations which we had was that he was a 20 year old car mechanic at a nearby garage, who maybe earned £200 a week. He also did not pay the rent while sometimes contributing some money towards food shopping and the electric bill. We had only been living together for three months at that point. Previously, I was temporarily living with a close friend as I had a 'final straw' type of falling out with my mum and step-dad which led them to kicking me out of their house without any level of organisation about it.
I met Brad, through a mutual acquaintance, two weeks before that event and quickly became absolutely infatuated with his good looks plus seemingly sweet nature. So, when he proposed that we moved into an apartment together instead of me living with my friend, I accepted the offer without doubting it and posed no other significant questions.
'I can come to the clinic with you for you to get the abortion if you want. I promise not to tell Brad, he won't even know.' My best friend Liv offered.
'Thank you! But, no. I'll tell Brad, he asked me to tell him if I ever did get pregnant. It's only fair I suppose. We have an agreement to get an abortion and do it together. It'll be fine.' I replied.
When I arrived home in the evening after taking the pregnancy test I said to him, ‘I took a test.’ ‘How did it go?’ he asked. It took him a few seconds for him to realise the test I was talking about was a different one. To my surprise, he was over the moon at the news of me being pregnant with his child. Suddenly grabbing me into a tight hug, he looked into my eyes smiling and repeatedly passionately kissed my lips.
'Wait... What are you going to do?' He asked me while the extreme joy in his shining emerald green eyes slipped away into a stern gaze of concern.
'An... abortion... like we agreed...' I stuttered. I felt stunned at his reaction. There weren't any clear signs of him wanting to raise a child with me. Dream like conversations about us having children in the future took place sometimes, but there weren't any plans and we always concluded on an abortion.
'You can't do that! I won't let you!' He suddenly shouted at me while holding onto the top half of my arms. It shocked me. He had never even raised his voice at me before that moment.
'But, we're not ready Brad. You don't pay rent and yesterday I read all of your texts to the girl that your brother slept with about saving your money to go visit her in Canada soon. I can barely trust you as a boyfriend, let alone become a good father to our child...' I started responding before he cut me off.
'So now you're breaking up with me too? Bullshit! Fuck that girl, it was just crap coming out of my mouth I didn't mean it, I was probably drunk when I sent that. I don't even remember sending it. If I did and there was something for you to worry about, I wouldn't have told you to read through my phone so that you could trust me more.' He ranted.
'OK, but even if that's true we still have nothing to give, we can't provide anything.' I debated.
'We have love, we can give this bubba so much love. You can't do this to me! If you break up with me and get rid of it I promise that you won't be able to walk down the street without looking over your shoulder, no shops and no clubs. You've seen what my uncles are like. They don't care if you're a girl, they'll do your head in.' His eyes were filled with pure rage, a look that I had never seen, it frightened me. I met his uncles on multiple occasions during some of our outings to the local pubs. They made their presence known, but often it seemed harmless while making everyone laugh.
On the surface, they acted like any other stereotypical drunk middle aged, pot bellied, skin-headed man would around that area. One of them had taken a shine to me and I thought he was friendly. But, he had an eye missing and the rumour was that he was shot during a fight. Bradley never went into detail about that story and I dismissed it eventually. The thought of them harming me unexpectedly, horrified me. Plus, the fact that Bradley had just threatened me in that way made my heart sink. I started sobbing uncontrollably.
'I'm sorry... no babe, please don't cry. I didn't mean that. I just want to be a dad. But, no you're right, we'll go get an abortion.' He said while pulling me into a gentle embrace, trying to calm me down.
'Shh...please. I'm sorry.' He repeated while softly rubbing my back. Taking deep breaths, I started to feel more calm. Pulling away from me slightly, he looked into my eyes.
'I'll change, I promise. I can be better, you know it. Can we just go to a scan and see the baby? If we don't feel anything and still have doubts, we'll get an abortion.' He begged. I nodded in agreement. Smiling like he did at the announcement of my pregnancy, he hugged me again.
'Thank you!' He cried out. We put a film on and cuddled each other to sleep. I felt scared, lonely and contemplated suicide. Asking for help was out of the question for me. I was scared of what could happen if I did try to break up with him and run away. Would he find me and if he did what would he or his family do to me then? Where would I run away to? How could I completely afford anything on my own in London? So many questions ran through my head to which I had no answers to. Feeling tied to him by a rent contract, I felt even more stuck. I did not know that free associations, counsellors and charities existed who can help you with a situation like this one and will find solutions for you to overcome it.
I was also ashamed of facing judgement from friends and family about having a failed relationship. Some people in my circle of friends placed bets that my relationship would never last, they claimed that I wasn't good enough for him. My mum often mocked me plus claimed that I was a lesbian since I struggled to get into a serious relationship or keep a boyfriend. Frequently also claiming that I was too fat for men to desire me over slimmer girls and doubted that my relationship would be successful because of this and my lack of self esteem too.
Wanting to prove them all wrong, I pretended like everything was fine. Plus, I didn't have a close enough bond or good connection with anyone in my family to feel comfortable with being honest and ask for help. I also didn't feel like any of my closest friend could offer me any helpful advice. From what I knew of at that time, none of them experienced anything similar to this situation. So, I chose not to reach out for help from anyone.
Being interested in spirituality, I had visited a tarot reader and medium for a reading around a month before I found out about my pregnancy. She mentioned that within the next three years I would have two children by Bradley, the first one being a boy and then a girl. 'Bradley is your destiny and so are they', she said. I believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason which is greater than our current knowledge and for our highest good as well as in us having free will plus the flexibility of changing the course of your destiny as it suits us. I remembered many messages and words of encouragement that she channelled to me which suggested whereby I would always be OK after rocky paths. Recalling it brought me comfort.
When I found myself alone in the apartment the next day, after Brad left for work, I took some time for myself to relax and meditate. I asked for the energy that I felt of the child inside of me to forgive me while mentioning that I did not feel strong enough, at that moment in time, to carry them or provide a good life for them after they are born. So, I wanted to end our connection and asked for them to come back to me during a time period where I was more stable, if it was meant to be.
Suddenly, in my mind, I saw the image of a short haired, blonde boy that was crying while sitting on the edge of a side walk and who was around the age of a toddler. He then buried his face in his hands while supporting his elbows on his knees. It looked so vivid. I felt like I was abandoning him and then an enormous amount of guilt for it.
'Well, if you want me to go through this now then please give me the strength to do that!' I begged out loud as tears rolled down my cheeks. Another image of that same boy popped into my head, but this time he was smiling and thanked me. I then booked an appointment with my local General Practitioner to discuss my pregnancy. During this time, she confirmed that I was pregnant and estimated that I was 10 weeks along. She proceeded to book us in for the ultrasound scan which was necessary at 12 weeks.
'If baby has a tough disease, disorder or limbs missing, we'll end it there. I promise that I won't put us through that, you especially. But, if bubba is healthy can we keep them?' Brad questioned as he parked the car outside the hospital where we were going to experience our baby's first scan.
'Lets see.' I replied nervously, struggling to look at his eyes.
'Baby is healthy and actually 16 weeks old, so I can tell you their gender. Would you like to know?' The doctor proposed while smiling.
'Yes!' Me and Brad exclaimed at the same time as we held tightly onto each other's hands for support.
'A boy. His penis is even big for his age but there isn't anything to worry about.' She responded.
'Just like his daddy!' I quickly covered my mouth, blushing in shock at the statement that slipped out of it. Thankfully, Brad and the doctor laughed it off! As she placed some more gel on my skin plus moved the transducer back and forth over my abdomen, we could see so many physical details of our baby's, from his head to toes. A feeling of absolute adoration overcame me for the being inside of me. He even put his middle finger up at us! Brad, the doctor and I giggled a lot during that session. We were even gifted a photo of the scan where he is doing this.
'Please can we keep him?' Brad asked me as we got back into the car, his eyes glimmered with hope. I nodded with an honest smile.
'Thank you! I love you, I love you both!' He exclaimed as he kissed my lips and my belly which made me giggle. Thinking about the predictions and visions that I had plus the sensation of love that I just experienced, made me feel more confident about our future. Plus, I researched and found financial aids that I would be eligible for which gave me comfort. But, my fear of the unknown didn't feel like it left my gut.
Even though telling my friends about my pregnancy was not daunting and they were very supportive, telling my family was a whole different story.
In following blogs, I will continue to describe my parenthood journey. This includes talking about my family's reaction to my pregnancies, picking baby names, suggesting financial aids plus professional opportunities, residence relocation, breakups, single parenting and dating.
Here are some important websites plus numbers within the United Kingdom to call in order to gain some emotional support and to get some additional help with weighing pregnancy related decisions:
The National Health Service - https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/nhs-pregnancy-journey/
The Baby Centre - https://www.babycentre.co.uk/
Tommy’s - Helpline: 0800 0147 800 - https://www.tommys.org/
The National Childbirth Trust - Helpline: 0300 330 0700 - www.nct.org.uk/
Get help against domestic abuse:
Women's Aid - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline – Helpline: 0808 2000 247 - https://www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/our-services/
ManKind Initiave - Helpline: 01823 334244 - https://www.mankind.org.uk/
Men's advice line - Helpline: 0808 8010327 - https://mensadviceline.org.uk/
You should call 999 if you are in immediate danger or in need of a medical emergency.
If anyone can suggest more numbers to call worldwide, please feel free to add them in the comment section to possibly help someone who might need it.
How did you discover that you were pregnant or that your partner was? Tell me how you felt and what you did about it. I'd love to read you stories in the comment section below!